Eat Adrien
by What a Rubber Chicken
Summary: Marinette learns that not even the strongest wills can go up against cold medicine for long. The class learns a lot more than they needed to, not that they're complaining. Rated for innuendo and jokes that go completely over innocent little Adrien's head.


_Written for the Silly Songs with Ladybug challenge. I got "Eat Randy" by Julian Smith, so (of course!) I had to do this. (lnc2 I blame you entirely, and I want you to know that I almost spent _money _to buy some good editing software to make a music video instead. Luckily, common sense prevailed.) _

_I hope you all enjoy!_

* * *

**Eat Adrien**

Of all the truths in this world, Marinette was absolutely certain of one: she _hated_ Hawkmoth. Not only did the supervillain make an _entire city_ fear their own emotions, but he did it at _all hours of the night!_ They needed an "akuma-free" hour or something, just so people could let out all the frustration building up inside.

And if God were good, they'd make it be the middle of the night, so _she_ could get some sleep!

Ladybug landed on her balcony and felt her transformation fall away. Undoubtedly, Tikki was as exhausted as she was.

"Ugh, doesn't Hawkmoth know about working hours?" the poor girl sniffled, climbing down into her room.

"Be careful, Marinette," Tikki warned, swooping down to curl up on her own little pillow. "If you work much harder, you're going to catch a cold."

"It's just a headache," Marinette insisted, flopping down on her bed. "Just a bit of sleep and I'll be right as rain…."

She drifted off before she could hear Tikki's reply.

* * *

It _wasn't_ just a headache. She could tell from her stuffy nose and watery eyes. She was _sick_. And it was all Hawkmoth's fault, keeping them outside in the rain all night…. Oh, when she finally met him, she was gonna kick him so hard!

"Maybe you should stay home today," Tikki suggested, watching her get ready for school.

"I can't," Marinette groaned. "I've skipped too many classes to be Ladybug! Miss Bustier said if I miss any more school, for any reason, there's going to be an official inquiry sent to my parents! _Again!_ I can't be suspended, Tikki, I just _can't_! I'll be fine. If it gets worse, I'll take some cold medicine. That should help me get through the day." To show she was serious, she slipped the bottle of cold medicine into her bag and headed downstairs.

She really hoped Hawkmoth was having a bad day too.

* * *

Miles away, an international investor in _Gabriel_ decided that investing in a company based in a city full of supervillains and monsters was too much of a risk and decided to pull their support.

Nathalie's eye twitched when she went to tell her boss the bad news.

* * *

Marinette gave herself credit in getting through most of the morning without incident (Alya just thought she was super tired from staying up too late). But, less than an hour to lunch, she felt her runny nose sneaking up on her again. And if she started sniffling and sneezing in the classroom—well, she decided to nip it in the bud and asked to go to the restroom, where she took a generous dose of her cold medicine.

Tikki glared at her, still convinced she should be home in bed. But Marinette just ignored the tiny red bug. She could do this! And after school, _then_ she'd take a nap.

* * *

Marinette was acting stranger than usual, Alya thought. Sure, she was always kind of a ditz, but she usually took her schoolwork seriously (when she could be bothered to show up for class). Today, however, she was practically propping her head up!

Poor girl. Must've been up late last night, thinking up new, convoluted ways to tell Adrien how she felt.

The lunch bell rang.

"C'mon, girl," Alya said, nudging her friend awake as Miss Bustier left the classroom, "are you going home or eating in the cafeteria today? They're having some kind of special that they claim is steak."

"Doesn't sound special to me," Marinette muttered.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Yay, mystery meat!"

"Hmm, I'd rather eat Adrien."

"I—WHAT?" Alya exclaimed, turning her full attention to her best friend. Across the aisle, Mylene and Alix burst into snickers, obviously having heard that. Behind them, Ivan chuckled.

But it got worse. Sitting below them, Nino had covered his mouth with his hand and Adrien was slowly turning in his seat, his eyes wide.

Chloé stood up, her eyes snapping fire. But before she could open her mouth to scream at her rival, Alix beat her to it.

"Yeah, I know what you mean, Marinette," she drawled. "Blondie's quite the snack."

Most of their classes sniggered at that. If Marinette had been coherent, she probably would've died of shame. As it was… she was still half asleep.

"Not a snack," she mumbled. "Adrien's a three-course meal. Plus dessert. Mm hmm."

Nino banged his head on his desk, shaking from suppressed laughter. The rest of their class was howling or crying with laughter. All except for Chloé, who Sabrina was physically restraining, and Adrien, who was staring at Marinette without blinking, his eyes wide as saucers.

"Is she okay?" he asked Alya, nearly whispering.

It was only due to the strict laws of sisterhood that Alya wasn't joining in the laughter _or_ recording all of this. But Marinette was going to be mortified when she heard about it, and she obviously wasn't herself right now.

"C'mon, M, let's get you home," Alya said, lifting her friend from the table and trying _damn_ hard not to bust a gut herself. Especially when….

"Home?" Marinette murmured, leaning heavily against her friend. "I'm gonna need a to-go box."

Alya couldn't bear it anymore and burst out laughing until tears seeped out her eyes. When she finally took a moment to breathe, she saw that Marinette's bag had fallen and spilled open. She thought she saw a flash of red but dismissed it when her eyes alighted on a purple bottle.

"Oh, no wonder!" she exclaimed, scooping it up for the class to see. "Marinette's not making any sense because she souped up on Nyquil!" She cleared her throat and glared at the class. "So, no making fun of her for any of this, any of you! She's not in her right mind!"

"If she's not in her right mind, she shouldn't be in school!" Chloé snarled, struggling to get away from Sabrina.

"For once, I agree with you, Chloé," Alya said. "C'mon, Nino, help me lift her."

Her boyfriend sprang up to help her, both of them avoiding making eye-contact with the blond boy who'd been the subject of Marinette's half-asleep talk.

Adrien stared after them as they left. Chloé finally wrenched herself free and ran to him.

"Are you okay, Adrikins?" she asked anxiously, searching his stunned-looking face. "Don't pay attention to anything she said! I won't let her _touch_ you!" She ran out of the room, screaming something about getting Marinette expelled.

Adrien turned to the rest of the class, most of whom still had grins on their faces.

"Am I missing something important, or is Marinette…?" he asked, confused. He was even more confused when the whole class burst out laughing again. _They were _okay_ with this?_

Alix grinned at him. "Yeah, blondie. You're just a cinnamon roll that she wants served up with _butter_."

"Poor girl needs a tall glass of water to go with _you_," Kim jeered. "She seems to be quite _thirsty_."

"God is good. God is great. Bless the _Adrien_ on my plate," Ivan chanted, mock-praying.

"Amen!" Juleka and Rose cheered together.

Adrien ran out of the room, chased by uproarious laughter.

"Plagg," he hissed, terrified. "My class is full of cannibals!"


End file.
